Lyra & Will in MiddleEarth
by incurelf
Summary: What happens when Lyra and Will stumble onto the plains of Rohan? Find out...inside. Chapter 3 UP!
1. Rohan

I was sick and bored and my Internet was screwed up and I was listening to the Charmed theme (though that has nothing to do with this) and I came up with this idea and it may have been done before I don't know I apologize if it has, I SWEAR I didn't/don't know. : )  
  
Ok.my idea. You probably won't get this if you don't know LOTR or HDM, so.just a warning.  
  
My idea: Lyra and Will are..lets see.trying to get to the world of the dead but when Will cuts through they don't get to that farmhouse thingy with the dead guy and horses and flies (from The Amber Spyglass).they get to the LOTR world! Hee hee hee. They are..with Gimli, Legolas, and Aragorn (notice how they ALWAYS say, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli, or Legolas, Aragorn, and Gimli? Well, I feel sorry for Gimli so I put him first and Aragorn last because he's always first but this is sort of off the subject so I'll try and get back to the parody)  
  
Will: cuts through  
  
Lyra & Will: go through the window and step out onto the plains of Rohan a little farther along than the 3. C'mon, I HAD to make them meet! Unrealistic or not.  
  
Gimli, Legolas, & Aragorn: come up & see Will and Lyra  
  
Lyra: sees that they have no dæmons & hides Pan  
  
Aragorn: Have you seen 2 hobbits? Or a band of Uruk-Hai?  
  
Lyra: What and what?  
  
Legolas: The hobbits would look like small children to you. Small children with pointed ears and hairy feet.  
  
Gimli: And the Uruk-Hai are monster type things that used to be elves. I can still see the resemblance.  
  
Legolas: hits Gimli  
  
A/N: Yes, I KNOW they were friends by now but I don't care.  
  
Will: No. We just got here. (he closed the window already)  
  
Aragorn: How could you have just gotten here?  
  
Lyra: Well, you see, we was just taking a walk in our world when suddenly we found ourselves here.  
  
The author has just realized that she forgot the Gallevespians, but will continue to until it is convenient to remember them.  
  
Legolas: Your...world?  
  
Gimli: There is only one world?  
  
Aragorn: Why are we talking in turns?  
  
Legolas: I don't know. Why do you always get to go first?  
  
Gimli: Why am I always last?  
  
Will: to Lyra Let's just tell them the truth. Can't hurt.  
  
Lyra: But Wi-ill! I LIKE lying!  
  
Will: Oh, get over yourself!  
  
Lyra: pouts  
  
Will: to Legolas Um.ma'am?  
  
Aragorn: whispering Sir.  
  
Legolas: As if you've never seen a male with long hair before.  
  
Gimli: Maybe he hasn't.  
  
Will: Sorry. But, you see, I have this knife. pulls the knife out  
  
Aragorn: Ooh! Nifty! I wanna see!  
  
Legolas: He's talking to ME, Ranger.  
  
Gimli: snickers, then quickly shuts up. Elves are annoying, not funny  
  
Aragorn: Soon to be king of Gondor!  
  
Legolas: Yes, uh.  
  
Lyra: Will. His name is Will, and I'm Lyra.  
  
Will: I could've said that myself Lyra. Anyway, despite what you think, there are many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many manyv many many many many many many many many many ma-  
  
Lyra: Will! They get the idea!  
  
Will: Ok! Ok! Sheesh. Anyway, many universes and my knife can cut a window so you can go from one to the other AND it can cut through ANYTHING. Nifty knife or WHAT man?  
  
Gimli: Not bad.  
  
Aragorn: Not BAD? That is one NIFTY knife, dude! Can I see?  
  
Will: Sorry. No.  
  
Lyra: I can tell you where whatever it is you're looking for is.  
  
Legolas: WHO. And how? You en't no elf.  
  
Lyra: You say en't too?  
  
Gimli: I thought ents were tree things or something.  
  
Aragorn: Don't look at me.  
  
Legolas: We try not too.  
  
Lyra: Do you want me to or not? See, I got this nifty (I'm saying that word a lot aren't I?) compass thing called an..uh.  
  
Pan: ALETHIOMETER.  
  
Lyra: Yeah. That. Anyway, I do my thing and then it tells me the truth.  
  
Gimli: Cool. Ask it which are better, elves or dwarves?  
  
Aragorn: We already know that. Elves of course.  
  
Legolas: What do you care? You're a man.  
  
Gimli: He thinks he's an elf, remember?  
  
Aragorn: I AM an elf!  
  
Legolas: Whatever. Are we STILL speaking in turns?  
  
Gimli: Yep. Thanks a bunch, ELF!  
  
Incurelf: It's not HIS fault. It's me!  
  
Aragorn: Who are you?  
  
Incurelf: The author. Now get back to the story.  
  
Lyra: I can't ask it opinion questions. Now should I ask about the habits or not?  
  
Legolas: Hobbits.  
  
Lyra: Whatever. sits down and begins reading the alethiometer  
  
Gimli: Who was it that spoke before?  
  
Aragorn: A ghost! clings to Legolas  
  
Will: Not a ghost, her dæmon.  
  
Legolas: Her WHAT?  
  
Gimli: Demon! They're in league with Sauron!  
  
Aragorn: Help me, Legolas, the bleedin' ghost is conna cop us!  
  
A/N: I found a dialect site and I just couldn't resist and I'm not making fun just having fun. Get it? Ok then. Fake sounding or not, I don't care. I'm doing it anyway. On with the fic!  
  
Legolas: THERE'S NO GHOST YOU STUPID UGLY DIRTY SMELLY HUMAN!!!!  
  
Gimli: Ha. Looks like the elf finally cracked.  
  
Lyra: has finished reading and was listening to the dæmon conversation and takes Pan out of her pocket Not a ghost. This is my dæmon. His name is Pantalaimon. The habits-  
  
Aragorn: HOBBITS YER FRICKIN RETARD!  
  
Lyra: Hobbits. Whatever. Anyway, keep going and these horse dudes are gonna come from the other way but don't worry 'bout them they're gonna help you and then later you'll find out what happened to the habits an-  
  
Legolas: HOBBITS, damn you!  
  
Lyra: AND THEN enter the forest and that's all it told me. We're outa here, Will.  
  
Will: Why?  
  
Lyra: Dude. Will. This is SO not the world of the dead.  
  
Will: Oh. Right. Ok then. How do we leave?  
  
Lyra: smacks him  
  
Gimli: World of the dead?  
  
Lyra: Yeah. We're going there. Got any messages?  
  
Aragorn: Boromir. Boromir of Gondor. He's there. Tell 'im-  
  
Lyra: Hold it! I need more info on this dude first. Takes out pen & paper that she inexplicably had in her rucksack Ok. Name: Boromir of Gondor. Age?  
  
Legolas: Really young.  
  
Gimli: Middle aged man.  
  
Lyra: Middle aged. Right. Gender: Male. Dress:  
  
Aragorn: Arwen gave 'IM a dress TOO?  
  
Legolas: No, stupid. What was he wearing?!  
  
Gimli: Sorta what you see him wearing. gestures to Aragorn Only a lot cleaner and prettier.  
  
Aragorn: Hey! I resent that!  
  
Pan: Shut up!  
  
Lyra: Thanks, Pan dearie! Now, let me draw that..draws a bad picture of Aragorn Message:  
  
Legolas: He's an ugly young human who is to vain for his own good. Elves, now. Elves are COOL, man. Especially me. I'm a VERY pretty elf. See? brushes hair  
  
Gimli: coughs  
  
Aragorn: No, init?Tell 'im that wot I told 'im were a lie. I took the Ringg.  
  
Will: Ring?  
  
Legolas: Like your knife. And is it just me, or are we STILL speaking in order?  
  
Incurelf: sniggers Yep!  
  
Gimli: I resent that!  
  
Aragorn: MY line!  
  
Incurelf: Come on, guys! It's fun!  
  
Legolas: Is not! You don't even have a proper hair color!  
  
Incurelf: Do so. It's auburn, and it'll be red one day. So there!  
  
Gimli: Are there redheads in Middle Earth?  
  
Lyra: to Will They're freaking me out dude. Let's get outa here.  
  
Will: cuts through to Lyra's world, although neither of them realize that Come on!  
  
Aragorn: Yer can't leave yet! Struth! Yer 'AVE ter see a picture of me totally 'ot-3000-year-old-one-of-a-kind-elf chick!  
  
Will: You got an elf chick? You go, dude! they slap hands  
  
Lyra: WILL! We're leaving! they go through the window  
  
Ok now. Question. Should I stop here or have the 3 (and me) follow them? PLEASE review and tell me; I know this was kind of long, but.yeah. I like reviews. See ya! 


	2. Another World

This got better reviews than I thought it would, so I'm continuing. But first, to my reviewers (since this goes under both LOTR & HDM, I'm putting all reviewers up)  
  
Artemis: Thank you! And we wouldn't want you to fall into deep depression, now would we? Lol. And them 3 in the world of the dead..hee hee! Thanks!  
  
Chocolat elf: I still don't see why people are too lazy to sign in 'cause it really doesn't take that much, but hey, I shouldn't be talking. And you guys say 'I resent that' all the time? Cool! V. glad you like it! Thank you!!!  
  
Shadow: Aah, who cares what the other people in the house think? They just don't appreciate ff. : ) And you helped to convince me to write more. Thank you!!!  
  
Sabriel: 'annoying untold story' LOL. Follow them? Ok then! Both you & Artemis said to, so, why not? Go HDM parodies! We need more!  
  
Lily of the Shadow: Thank you!!! And I expect they do, after all, it said that there were mulefa there, and Gallevespians (who I haven't included in this fic yet but maybe will make an appearance later), so...maybe we'll go there too! Dum dum dum! Lol. That'd be freaky if it turned out to be true.  
  
Luckedancer: Thank you!!! They are my favorite series as well. Well, 2 of my favorites. I have a bunch of others, but that's besides the point. I really didn't expect the reviews to be this good! Thank you!  
  
Ok people if you are a HDM fan, we need more parodies! This is the fourth! The FOURTH! Oh, and to any of you English people who might happen to be reading this, is the first book called 'Northern Lights' instead of 'The Golden Compass' there? I could've sworn I saw something that said something like that, but I couldn't find it later. Garn.  
  
Now, let's see. Where did I leave off? Oh, right. I think I said before that they were going into Lyra's world, but I changed my mind, so they're going to that world with the dead horses/guy.  
  
Legolas: Let's follow them! Hey, look! I get to talk first in this chapter!  
  
Gimli: That's only because Aragorn talked last in the last chapter.  
  
Aragorn: Why are we dividing our adventures into chapters?  
  
Incurelf: Because this is a fic. Carry on please.  
  
Will: begins to close window  
  
Legolas: No wait wait wait I can't get through there without messing up my hair!  
  
Will: Too bad, so sad. You snooze, you lose.  
  
Lyra: Aww, c'mon, Will! He DOES have pretty nifty hair!  
  
Gimli: coughs  
  
Aragorn: Are you insulting an elf's hair?  
  
Legolas: What do you care, HUMAN? C'mon, people! Let's GO! goes through window that Will stopped closing  
  
Will: Wait, WHY are we letting you through again?  
  
Merry & Pippin's drinking song plays  
  
Lyra: Where'd that music come from?  
  
Incurelf: You stupid people! It's not part of the story, it's what I'm listening to!  
  
Lyra: Oh.  
  
Gimli: You're letting us through because we can help you and.and.he doesn't know why else, so he shrugs and goes through the window  
  
Incurelf: and because I have some GOOD ideas and you guys want to see Boromir. Aragorn: Yeah. That. follows Gimli  
  
Will: closes window & opens new one into that world they were supposed to go into before I messed it  
  
Legolas: Dude. A dead guy. Dude. Like, wow.  
  
Gimli: What pot are you on?  
  
Aragorn: What? You have pot and you didn't share it?  
  
Legolas: flips hair at Aragorn Only the best in Middle Earth. Imported from the Gray Havens. Don't get that Shire crap. It sucks.  
  
Gimli: That Shire stuff is pretty good, ELF!  
  
Aragorn: That's me!  
  
Legolas: When will yo-  
  
Will: what?  
  
Gimli: Are humans ALWAYS this stupid?  
  
Aragorn: Yep.  
  
All but Aragorn, even Will & Lyra: raise eyebrows at him  
  
Legolas: Can we stop speaking in turns now? gives me puppy dog look  
  
Incurelf: Oh, alright then  
  
Legolas: Yes! brushes his hair in celebration  
  
Lyra: Can we get a move on please? I really DON'T have my whole life.  
  
Tialys: Yeah! What she said!  
  
Salmakia: Since when do YOU agree with HER?  
  
Tialys: Uuh.  
  
Salmakia: glares You agree with ME, remember?  
  
Tialys: Yes ma'am.  
  
Salmakia: Now come over and give me a kiss! (says in babyish voice)  
  
Tialys: Do I HAVE to?  
  
Pan: sniggers  
  
Gollum's Song plays.  
  
Aragorn: Aah! Hobbit babies! SMART hobbit babies!  
  
Legolas: I don't know. They look like ugly mini dwarves to me, though how dwarves could be any tinier..  
  
Gimli: Take that back! Or.  
  
Will: People, can we get a frickin MOVE on hear? Yes, there's a dead guy, Lyra established about a page ago that there are dead horses and so on in there, so.come on! stalks into the kitchen  
  
Lyra: Come on! Walk this way. saunters into the kitchen, over-doing the model walk  
  
Legolas, Gimli, and Aragorn: shrug and saunter into the kitchen, over- doing the model walk*  
  
Will: Ok, we stole the food, we're outa here.  
  
Lyra: Why? I like it here! Very homelike.  
  
Aragorn: Where'd YOU grow up?  
  
Lyra: Jordan College, Oxford, England, the World, the Universe, who knows where, who else know where, nobody know wh-  
  
Will: Oh just shove it, Lyra!  
  
Legolas: decides that Lyra's hair is bad and begins to sing a random song which actually happens to be the one I'm listening to If I had words/to make good hair (a day) for you/I'd sing you some ha-air golden and long (a morning golden and new)/I would make this hair as pretty as mine (day last for all time)/give you shampoo to make it shine all the time (a night deep in moonshine).  
  
Aww, come on. I HAD to do that! If you don't recognize it, watch the movie 'Babe' and listen to the credits. That's the song.  
  
All but Legolas: stare and back away  
  
Will: Ok.well, Pan says that soldiers are coming, so we gotta go. I'll cut a window to your world, and-  
  
Aragorn: ExCUSE me! No. I got a MAJOR score to settle with Boromir.  
  
Gimli: What'd he ever do to you?  
  
Aragorn: Well...you know..stuff!  
  
Will: Fine. Come. I DON'T CARE!  
  
Pan: And I never said anything about no soldiers!  
  
Will: elbows him  
  
Lyra: Hey! No touchie!  
  
Will: Tough crowd. cuts a window  
  
Gimli: Ha! It's fraud! I KNEW I shoulda gotten good insurance!  
  
All but Gimli: Huh?  
  
Gimli: Never mind.  
  
They go through the window with the usual trouble, you know how it is. Er, was. It didn't really affect them although Legolas was SURE it messed up his hair and wondered if all this world-switching was bad for it or not.  
  
Aragorn: This looks strangely familiar.  
  
Lyra: That would be because we were just oh my GOD!  
  
Legolas: Don't humans usually STAY dead when they die? Oh $#!^. We threw Boromir over the cliff!  
  
Aragorn: No, we put him a boat that went over a waterfall. And.I think that's.no! It's not! MOMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Ghost dude who's name I can't remember: (PLEASE tell me if you do) Hey, y'all, sup?  
  
Aragorn: faints  
  
Ghost: You'd think he'd never seen a ghost before! Hey, ma man! Totally cool hair dude! slaps a confused Legolas's hand, even though he is insubstantial  
  
Lyra: to Will Didn't he make more fuss about being dead in the book?  
  
Will: Yeah. Oh well though. Maybe the rest will be like him.  
  
Switch to all ghosts walking away.  
  
Ghosts: We're off to the Land of the Dead! The boring Land of the Dead. We hear the sinners are punished and the good people go to ****! The-  
  
All who are alive: SHUT UP!  
  
That's all I have time for. R/R please! Suggestions are WELCOME!  
  
*This, although I find it funny whenever I see it, is NOT my idea, see Mel Brooks' movies, including History of the World Part 1 (It's good to be the king!), Robin Hood: Men in Tights (A Jew? Here?/No no no. Not a Jew, Achoo!), Young Frankenstein (It's Fraahnkensteen!). Sorry. Been watchin a lot of MB lately, that all. Of course, Monty Python & the Holy Grail is funny too. (Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate? & We are the knights who say..Nee!)  
  
Whoops. I seem to be going off the subject. My bad. Anyhow, see that little button? Could you do me a favor and..press it? Thank you! See ya! 


	3. The Land of the Dead

Ooh, thank you for many very enthusiastic reviews! I love you all, but can't reply to all of you.too many.  
  
Anyway, to continue:  
  
Scene: Land of the dead (already across the lake, etc)  
  
Legolas: Ooh, I don't like it here! My complexion will get ruined!  
  
Lyra: Is your appearance ALL you think about?  
  
Legolas: Well.uh.the thing is.  
  
Lyra: Thought so.  
  
Legolas: No, no! Sometimes I think about girls!  
  
Will: STAY AWAY FROM LYRA!  
  
Lyra: Umm, Will. I can take care of myself.  
  
Aragorn: Yeah, women can take care of themselves sometimes! Take Eowyn, for example. Now THERE'S a girl who can take care of herself!  
  
Gimli: What about Arwen?  
  
Aragorn: What about her?  
  
Legolas: Well.aren't you in love with her?  
  
Aragorn: I'm in love with her?  
  
Gimli: Yeah, you are. And anyway, we hadn't even gotten to Rohan yet, so how can you know anything about Eowyn?  
  
Aragorn: Umm.I don't know.  
  
Legolas: Hey Aragorn.  
  
Aragorn: What NOW? All I have cigarettes left!  
  
Legolas: CIGARETTES? Are you MAD? Can you IMAGINE what they would do to your teeth? No, no. I was wondering if we HAD to look for Boromir.  
  
Lyra: Who?  
  
Legolas: He was another man who traveled with us.very poor hygiene. Anyway, he was really annoying. I really don't want to talk to him. I mean, all he ever talked about was 'Gondor, Gondor and Gondor'. Oh, and the Ring once in a while.  
  
Gimli: Legolas is right. And I say we fight back!  
  
Aragorn: Umm, right. No, we have to find Boromir.  
  
Legolas and Gimli: Why?  
  
Lyra: Because you have to do something while I look for Roger.  
  
Legolas: But Boromir was mean to me!  
  
Boromir's ghost (hereafter called just 'boromir'): Bonjour, Aragorn, Legolas, et Gimli. Je vais donner un coup de pied vos anes une fois que vous moi dites qui la fille et le garcon sont. Bien, re ellement, je pourrais juste aller trouvaille les harpies. Ce sera amusement! Et il gachera les cheveux de Legolas! Oui! Disparaissent Boromir! Quoi qu'il en soit, qu'est vers le haut avec vous, mes homies?  
  
(I am going to kick your asses once you tell me who the girl and boy are. Well, actually, I might just go find the harpies. That will be fun! And it will mess up Legolas' hair! Yes! Go Boromir! Anyway, what's up with you, my homies?)  
  
Legolas: Non, Boromir! SVP! Vet endroit est assez mauvais! N'appelez pas les harpies! SVP! Je vous prie! Je.j'adore-tu? Pour toujours? (No, Boromir! Please! This place is bad enough! Don't call the harpies! Please! I beg you! I...I love you? Forever?)  
  
Lyra: Umm, excuse me, but not all of us parle francais-whoa! Est-ce que c'etait simplement francais? Aah! (Was that just French? Aah!)  
  
Will: Vous parlez francais, Lyra?  
  
Lyra: Oui.  
  
Gimli: Ooh, ooh! Je parle francais, aussi! Et conjecture ce qui? J'ai meme une copie 'Le Seigneur des Anneaux' en francais! Est-ce que ce n'est pas frais? (Ooh, ooh! I speak french, too! And guess what? I even have a copy of 'The Lord of the Rings' in french! Isn't that cool?)  
  
Aragorn: Mais je ne parle pas francais! (But I don't speak French!)  
  
Lyra: You do now.  
  
Roger's ghost: LYRA!  
  
Lyra: Roger!  
  
Boromir: SON!  
  
Roger, Lyra, Legolas, Aragorn, & Gimli: WHAT?  
  
Boromir: It's true. Roger.I.am your father.  
  
Roger: Umm, Boromir?  
  
Boromir: Father!  
  
Roger: Father. Wrong movie, I think.  
  
Boromir: Nope. Come, son. We will talk.  
  
Roger: Umm.ok.  
  
Lyra: Wait! I need to talk to him, Bori!  
  
Legolas, Aragorn, and Gimli: Bori?  
  
Lyra: I mean, umm.what's his name?  
  
Boromir: BOROMIR!!!  
  
Lyra: Sorry!   
  
Will: It's ok, Lyra. I'm here.  
  
Pan: and so am I.  
  
Lyra and Will: But.we left you on the jetty! We got rid of you!  
  
Lyra: Oh, shit.  
  
Pan: It doesn't matter. I'm his dæmon now.  
  
Will: Whose?  
  
Pan: The elf's.  
  
Legolas: My name is Legolas.  
  
Pan: Right. Legolas. I knew that.  
  
Lyra:   
  
Will: What now?  
  
Legolas: Let's all have a slumber party and curl our hair and braid it and wear face masks and-  
  
Aragorn: Next chapter, Legolas.  
  
Legolas: Why?  
  
Gimli: Because the author has to get off the computer now.  
  
Legolas: Ok.   
  
Author:   
  
Legolas:   
  
Author:   
  
Legolas:   
  
Author:   
  
Incurelf. 


End file.
